Yup, this can be considered a sequel to my post about cars smelling bad. If you’ve ever wondered why women between the ages of 40-60 have a house that smell like cheap candles bought at a police auction, or why anyone between the ages of 25-40 have a house that smells like pussy, 3 different scents of febreze, and left over dominos pizza, then this may be the post for you.

I don’t know what people are doing now a days that have a 20+ square foot home smelling like something out of a dumpster but it’s absolutely ridiculous that in the time it takes paint to dry, your house can’t get rid of the smell.

If you walk into someone’s house, their domain, their cave, their place of solitude, the place that represents someone’s character and who they are; and are your nostrils are attacked by what seems to smell like a mix of a very old person, a 3 dollar candle that was dipped into a bag of shit, but that your parents believed would make a great present for your 23rd birthday–it’s only fair to ask WHY??

It’s a bit more perplexing as to why someone’s house, which by the way is marginally bigger than their car, can’t rid itself of foul odor. It’s like, no amount of glade plug-ins, incense, candles, powdery carpet smell good stuff, OR freshly baked pie can every take away the true smell of the home, which over time has latched itself onto curtains, hair follicles, carpet, and genital hair. Damned if I don’t walk into someone’s house with my face buried into my shirt checking my own chest out instead of having to decipher what the hell i’m smelling, and why just two feet ago it smelled like outside–because I WAS outside.

The unsuspecting person, totally used to their house smelling that way, thinks that no one else can tell, and is somewhat flabbergasted when people start making strange faces, sneezing, coughing, or just running into the bathroom to “freshen up” hoping that whatever abercrombie perfume they over-sprayed onto themselves will no doubt cover up the odor of the house.

If you somehow get the idea that this post may be about you, I challenge you to bring someone over your house and ask for an honest opinion because 9 times out of 10, it is you.

Solution: Spring cleaning, upholstery deodorizer, cum, NEW SHIT.

I’ve gotten into approximately 12,298 vehicles in my lifetime. This includes but is not limited to: Taxis, Buses, Trucks, SUVs, Trains, Power Wheels, etc, and every time I get into one, they all have a distinct smell that has absolutely no relation or relevance to what a vehicle should smell like.

How many times have you gotten into someone’s car only to be greeted by what smells like dog food and 2 week old pork chops? The shit really does stink. Unless you have a dog living under your seat and/or have a bowl of dog food under there for anyone who happens to be hungry, why does your car smell like fucking dog food? I hop into the vehicle cracking jokes making the other person think it’s all fun and games but the whole time i’m “this piece of shit car smells like a sewer.” The person always seems to know exactly why their car smells like ass; “yeah, i think my friend’s sister’s baby left some food in here.” umm dude it’s your fucking car, why would you let some shit like that go down and not bother to clean it up? I’m sure that in the time it took whatever it was rotting in your back seat to end up like that, that you could have taken care of it; that is–unless whatever it is smelling like ass is YOU. Don’t blame your BO on an innocent child throwing french fries around in your car with you not being in control.

I get to thinking, what could make someone’s car smell so damn bad, then I look around and see evidence of what appears to be the scene of a very raunchy porn. You have: CVS bags in the back seat, (this implies that the person went and bought condoms and/or lube), receipts, pieces of cookies, flyers, straw wrappers, soda bottle tops, and an Atlas. My awesome brain gets to thinking and i’ve come up with this…

“One day while driving in a semi-clean car, you got flagged down by a hitchhiker that you picked up who brought all those random items in a brown paper bag. You get to talking and realize that you both enjoy white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and start eating them. The sexual chemistry is too much to resist so you pull over to the parking lot of a went-out-of-business Target and start to fuck until you realize this person really stinks. Suddenly, you remember the Axe spray and various other items you picked up from CVS just days prior are a mere 3 feet and a glove compartment away. At this point it’s too late because during the climax, you both shoot turds out of your ass unknowingly which then sit in your car for the next two weeks until I happen to get in, notice the stench, and present you with this story and what I think happened only to have you turn to me and say “I still think it was my friend’s sister’s baby that left some food in here somewhere.”

Seriously, the shit is so boring. No one knows the exact amount of time that you should spend brushing your teeth. So, i usually sit there brushing until blood starts to pour from my mouth, this usually means that my gums have been raped and that i should stop. I always thought just scratching your teeth with your fingernails was enough to remove any plaque or build up. That is until i awoke one day with my teeth looking like a stick of butter. Guess that plan wasn’t the right one huh?

There’s so many toothbrushes and so many forms of toothpaste that are supposed to help your teeth that it becomes overwhelming. Well, i’ve decided to say FUCK brushing your teeth. just eat a few ice breakers a day and chew some gum and you’ll be good to go.

Brush after every meal? what kind of retarded shit is that? like i want to get rid of the fantastic taste of bacon grease that’s lingering in my mouth by brushing my teeth? hell naw.

Floss? are you nuts? as if me staring at myself in the mirror while bristles sweep the banana like surface of my teeth isn’t enough; they want me to drag strings inbetween them like a fucking violin player? no thanks! If gingavitis is my fate then so be it.

Not R. Kelly style. I mean I want to do it unsuspectingly, like while someone is bending over to pick up a quarter or some lip gloss that they mistakenly dropped onto the ground.

How great would it be to whip my awesome cock out and soak their body in urine?

You too? Yeah, that would be sweet.

They’d stand up drenched in my smelly salty piss with the most puzzled look on their face like WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

How many people do you think would burst into tears of laughter and pointing at a display of god like behavior such as this? YouTube material for sure.

The other day I was at a restaurant getting some cheap food and a few things on the menu looked tasty to me. The waiter comes over, and the first thing I notice right off the bat is how much he resembles Screech from Saved by the Bell. Beside the point, as i’m trying to hold my laughter in, I manage to swallow it long enough to ask him “hey what do you recommend, _____ or _____??” We’re both adults, in our 20s, awesome as shit, well at least one of us is. This douche bag proceeds to hit me with the comment you just dont hit anyone with unless they’re fucking stupid. He goes “well everything’s good!” Come on broe, not everything is GOOD. Some things on this menu may even taste like shit, but that isn’t even the point. I asked a very simple question about what you recommend. Don’t treat me like i’m an idiot. I sit there staring at him like “huh??” so then I again ask, “okay but out of these two which one would you recommend?” he fires back at me again “well they’re both pretty good” I was going to throw my glass of water at him, but instead I said “are you just programmed to say that because if you gave your opinion it could be interpreted as you saying something on your menu isn’t all that good?” at this point he has a blank look on his face like “yeahhh”

Needless to say the only tip he got from me that day was a half melted reeses peanut butter cup and whatever miscellaneous shit I had in my pockets at the time.

I can’t stand the restaurant industry.

Just some food for thought. It seems as though a cult of faggots decided to bathe in WD40 before hopping on the metro to go where ever they need to go. You know, the can of solution, says WD40 at the top, that you spray onto rusted metal and bike chains so that it doesn’t rust and/or get dried out. I don’t get it…. why do they all have to smell ilke car parts. It wouldn’t make sense for everyone who is a mechanic to take the bus places because they would fucking have a working car right?

I literally have to bury my face into my shirt and smell my own sweaty dirty flesh instead of smelling what appears to be a very dirty man or woman in front of me. I don’t know, i’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt but when every one smells the exact same way it kind of starts to turn on paranoid mode.

I’m standing/sitting there looking like i’m swatting flies away from my face when really i’m trying to get the smell away from my nostrils. This shit is not cute man. It makes me even more assured that I am doing the right thing by buying into the Pocket Axe marketing scheme. Although the mixture of WD40 and an underhanded spray from my Pocket Axe doesn’t make the situation that much better. I mean imagine car parts sprayed with WD40 then a hint of Pocket Axe. But, damn it’s a lot better than this shit.

I finally arrive at my destination (which is usually a friend’s house or the store) and suddenly i’m the target of laughter. It seems as though i’ve inherited the funk now i’m passing it around like a plate of spaghetti. My friends are like dude what happened? Did you have to change a flat tire or something? Of course I lie and am like “yeah I saw a very hot helpless lady on the side of the road trying to change her own tires so I decided to leap out of the window of the bus to help her out.

Another thing, not that i’m complaining, but why the FUCK does no one ever bother to sit next to me when i’m on there? Is it because I DON’T smell like WD40? Somewhere in their rule book of what to do and what not to do on a bus ride it says HEY you are NOT allowed to sit next to anyone who doesn’t share your BO. That includes children as well.

It makes me feel like an outcast to smell like money while everyone else smells like screwdrivers & wrenches & shit. If they had glade plugins for your asshole then I think it would make things about 84% better.

Especially my friend’s kid.

This little asshole looks like an alien first of all. Secondly, when this asshole comes over my house, I have to anticipate him giong through my shit, asking me dumb questions, and just being all around annoying.

He’s like 4 or 5 years old or some shit right. This little goofy motherfucker plays with EVERYTHING that isn’t his. Little fucker took out my DVDs and started throwing them around the room, went all through my cans of frebreze spraying them in the air for god knows what reason, giggles like my grandma, smells awful, shit man what is it with little kids that make them such annoyances?

It took literally all my super saiyan power not to just sock this fool square in the face and send him into knock out land for a few hours. Instead, I just mad dogged the little shit whenever I noticed him touching my shit, eventually snatching it away saying “that’s dangerous, you could kill yourself (or i could kill you)”

When I was a kid, I could imagine me being just as awesome as I am now, hard penis, fascination with 4 year old vagina, all the same shit.

This kid seemed to have been fascinated with being a homo, looking like mr. potato head, and just being a downright lamer.

What is it with little kids and them always repeating what you say too? What the hell is the point in that? I’m like “damn I have to pee” “you have to pee??” no shit asshole that’s what I just said. Then I was like “hey I want you dead” and he goes “he he you want me dead??” errr. If I ever have a child of my own you best believe the swift hand of the law will stop him/her from being annoying around any of my friends that’s for sure.

If your parents weren’t around i’d knock you out homie.

Fuck vegetarians. Seriously, they’re all bitches.

They parade around like a bunch of religious people criticizing your eating habits and mouthing off about how much better their nasty ass soy based products are than the originals they were based off.

Here’s a tip asshole: If i’m going to substitute a real burger for a soy one, i’d at least tell the truth about how shitty it tastes.

If your dog food tasting soy shit was even remotely close to being mouth watering like a big juicy burger from Johnny Rockets, i’m sure that more people would migrate to your way of eating.

Not only are they bitches, but they’re liars as well. What do religions and vegetarians have in common? they both lie a lot.

Example (religious people):
Lie: Going to church is fun and enjoyable!
Truth: Going to church is boring as hell and torture to sit through.

Lie: My religion is better than yours for the following reasons….
Truth: Your religion is NOT better than mine. In fact, your religion has child molesters and suicide bombers.

Example (vegetarians):
Lie: Soy chicken nuggets are so much better than real chicken nuggets.
Truth: Soy chicken nuggets taste like my ballsack was dipped into a bowl of turnip juice and surved to you cut open with olives on the side.

Lie: Once you get used to this way of eating, you’ll find that the food tastes identical if not better than what you used to eat.
Truth: Wrong asshole. If that were the case, half the people that follow your way of eating wouldn’t resort to eating cheesecake, fries, and potato chips after slipping up and cheating.

These kind of bitches should have the opposite side of carrot shoved up their ass then fed to them while I eat a burrito in front of their face.

I don’t have a problem eating healthy, not at all. It’s when people like to lie about shit we all know better about.

Soy based food will NEVER taste better than; or even closely resemble the mouth watering goodness of the food it was based after. Now once they can admit that and move on, i’ll be satisfied.

Not only are vegetarians liars, but they are stuck-up as well. They act like they’re better than you because they eat horrible replicas of food you and I enjoy on a daily basis. If I were out and about and came across a vegetarian, i’d body slam him into a tub of lard then throw freshly cooked scalding hot bacon at his/her face then whip my awesome cock out and piss on them all while humming the McDonald’s theme song.

Tofu dogs and retarded shit like that will never taste good. End of story.

Lick my big meaty balls.

Think about it. It’s true.

Peanut butter smeared on a bus driver’s asshole would probably taste good.

peanut butter is something you can have with almost any dessert and it would be good.

example:
-pb cookies
-pb ice cream
-pb cake
-pb muffins
-pb & saltine crackers
-pb & ritz crackers
-pb & any cracker
-pb toast
-pb pancakes
-pb waffles
-pb assholes
-pb smeared on your vagina
-pb smeared on your nipples
-a piece of bread with wrapped around my penis with peanut butter on it too.
-pb mixed up with a strawberry & banana smoothie
-peanut brittle

Peanut butter is like a universal treat that you can eat alone on a knife on the 28th of the month when you have no money left and you’re waiting for the 1st of the month to come so you can go shopping for more food and peanut butter.

Remember those different types of peanut butter that came out a few years ago for a limited time only?

-chocolate peanut butter
-apple cinnamon peanut butter

and some other one.

whether it’s chunky like baby shit, creamy like baby shit, or just plain old. peanut butter is awesome and anyone who disagrees should be shot in the face with a gun made out of peanut butter with peanut buttery bullets that splattered as they hit your skin and had a substance in it that attracted bees because it had honey in it..and the bees stung you to death because they thought you were made out of peanut butter. speaking of which….toast with honey and peanut butter on it ….Damn

A word to all of you internet women out there, I am likeable. Not only am I likeable as a friend, but I am likeable as a person in general. Not that a life with a physical being (not just a blow up doll) wouldn’t be amazing, but I am likeable.

Explanation below:
-i make mp3 players for AOL (a popular but failing in customer service department internet service provider)
-i have a website with no apparent theme or ..purpose.
-i have an awesome computer with a 3 GHz processor.
-i have a cellular phone that i pay for myself with 6pm nights to have sex over the phone with my potential internet mate.
-i don’t live with my mom anymore. Really….i don’t
-i have an annoying roomate who talks in the background when i am trying to have sex with my many followers….on the phone.
-i have a lot of people that kiss my ass
-people visit my site not because it’s awesome and blows away every other site, but because they are indeed droids created by me for the purpose of promoting my website and/or wasting their lives away on it
-i have lots of internet friends that really aren’t my friends, but that only talk to me, not because im a likeable person, which i am, but because they all want something from me. be it help, motivation, cybering, advice, drugs.
-my personality is bar none to every other lamer out there who pick up women for the purpose of getting them to pose naked on webcam or for phone sex.
-who wouldnt like freeza? …..seriously…not to sound conceited or anything but i own.. what more is there to say.

So I say this again to all women who read this, I don’t want a relationship with just anyone. I don’t want a real relationship, i don’t want physical contact, i don’t require any of that. but what i do require is that you’re easy, that you will try really hard to screw me over in the end, that you will buy me things, and give me money.

don’t go after me because i’m there for you and have been more than anyone regardless of the willingness to admit it or not. don’t go after me because out of everyone you talk to i’m the one that has the most appeal. don’t talk to me because i do everything for you.

GO down those points up there and go after me because i’m an amateur programmer from california with obsessive compulsive tendencies and a failing website, who has followers and people to kiss his ass because they think i will lead them to the promise land.