Dude, i’ve been wondering a thing or two or three.

WHY THE FUCK do you assholes enjoy shit like pineapples on your pizza, ketchup on your eggs, and SHIT on your pancakes?

As if the whole fruit food group was never in the same category as any of the toppings on a pizza except for tomato sauce, which i will never admit to as being a fruit–you assholes have to go the extra mile and put slices of pineapple on pizza.

Like some kid with down symdrome started having a panic attack and throwing objects across the room, playing in his food, and dumping random objects onto his pizza, a piece of pineapple apparently fell on it. The lady who’s responsible for this retard, picked up the slice of pizza and for some ODD reason ate it, fell in love with it, then started spreading the word.

HEY GUYS, having pineapples on your pizza tastes quite good. Hell no it doesn’t. it tastes like shit. Sweet & sour SHIT. Trust me, if you ever wondered what a sweet and sour turd tastes like, you just ate one when you ate pizza with pineapples on it.

2. Why the fuck do people claim to enjoy cold pizza better than hot? are you fucking retarded? did grandpa smack you in the face with his cane or something? No, cold pizza is not better than hot pizza, cold pizza isn’t even good. Rubbery pieces of cheese do not taste good, nor do hard pieces of bread. get real. Cold pizza is for those individuals who didn’t pay their gas bill on time or just don’t have a microwave and can’t heat up the pizza. Speaking of which, microwaved pizza fucking sucks. after it’s already cooled down and looks like shit, heating it up in the microwave makes it turn out to be gummy, nasty, and just sick.

Some of you people must have been born with retarded taste buds or something. and by that i mean your taste buds probably would enjoy the taste of your own urine. I challenge you all to do a taste test, and drink some piss. If you enjoy that taste then you will enjoy cold pizza and pineapples on that pizza. hell you might as well go the extra mile and piss on the pizza before topping it with pineapples then shoving it into your pie holes.

This seems to be the stupid shit that’s going around lately when someone doesn’t remember who you are when you call or text them.

I have heard this exact statement: “sorry, I just got a new phone and lost all my numbers.” from about 14 people over the past few months when I get bored enough to start texting random people.

To put my theory to the test, I actually made up some phone numbers to text and got the same response when I wouldn’t reveal who I was to the person.

It’s like their get out of jail free card. No, asshole, it’s not your get out of jail free card. I’m going to go ahead and assume that not many people know more than 50 people that they talk to on a daily basis enough to put them in their phonebook, thus making your statement very rude, or just plain bullshit. I’m going with answer B on that one.

One would assume that unless you’re a drunk party-goer, who doesn’t take care of your phone well enough to not have it drown in someone’s pool or fall into a toilet that the normal way for you to get a new phone is to just go buy a fucking new one and transfer your phonebook to it! Oh shit nevermind I guess 93.6% (real statistic) of the population either gets their phone stolen by someone at a concert or it “falls into a pool” so bye bye phonebook. But then that makes me wonder if that happens so easily to people, why the fuck don’t you have your phonebook written/saved somewhere to incase of your misfortunate accident, you can easily get it back!

I think these losers actually read a “how to try and manipulate people into believing your obvious bullshit” book. Or maybe they read this shit in a magazine article. “When in doubt, say that you got a new phone and lost your numbers.”

I want to ask these people if they honestly think that people believe that line of crap.

I was always brought up to believe that a quick wipedown with the opposite side of a sponge was good enough. Who invented soap and those plastic washing devices? You know, the ones that try to be all fancy with the strings attached to them so that you may hang them in your shower to look cute when guests come over and snoop around in your bathroom.

What’s even worse are those people who boast and brag about showering 3 or more times a day. Congrats motherfucker, you are one dirty sack of shit. At least i know i dont get dirty enough to want to shower 3 times a day. All you need is baking soda, a water hose, and your best friend there to shoot that skin piercing stream of water at your back.

This method, the sopnge method, or if you have money, just buy some axe and degree and you’re in the game. You don’t need to wash your disproportionate body and come out smelling like apricots and spinach for all of 10 minutes before your rancid toe jam smelling BO comes back out.

I usually go days/weeks without stepping into a shower, top that off with hardly ever brushing my teeth and you have what looks like a homeless man straight out of the movies as the site admin, how aresome is that?

Literally.

So, I went to go see 300 last night, after eating at Barney’s Beanery with friends right…..it was around 9:47 when we got there, and there was like all of 3 people in the theater. I guess it isn’t cool to go to the movies on a Monday night.

Anyway, so the previews start, (the best part of some movies) and they were pretty shitty, a bunch of retarded movies about death and ghosts. Then we get into 300. I immerse myself so much into the story that I actually believe that I am the king of Sparta. Then these two fat where’s Waldo looking dipshits come and sit behind us with popcorn, smelly ass BO, and loud obnoxious voices. Why the fuck do people come to the movies only to talk during it and feel that it’s their duty as human beings to inform you of their opinion throughout the movie–in the form of cheesy cackling, slurred words, and bursts of tourettes? I wanted to get up and shove my spear through their bodies and beat them in the face with my 100 LB shield, but I refrained. A King should definitely be more tolerable of peasants.

It irks me to death when I happen to be with people that ramble during the movie, or even hear people rambling during the movie.

You go to the movies to watch the movie, not to talk. If you want to do that, go on MySpace, assholes.

This stems off of people that brag a lot about their crap.

When you brag, you obviously think you’re the shit. You can spot these people from a distance by noticing a few things about people that think they’re the shit.

People think they’re the shit because…
-they have a myspace. Wow faggot, you’re among the 45 million other trendy people out there. no you’re not the shit.
-they have a new car. Great, now you have car payments and insurance. i’m better off than you were now, asshole.
-their myspace pages are all crowded and the font is so small you have to squint to see it. Awesome page moron, you’ve successfully made your page nonreadable.
-they can make your mouse pointer turn into a rainbow or a teddy bear when you go to their website. Cool, you just showed me how much of a loser you are by trying to make MY mouse turn into a bear. Your website sucks.
-when you hover over someone’s picture, it becomes black and white, pixelated, upside down, distorted, negative, or any sort of dumb shit like that. Yay, do you want a fucking brownie for making me think I had a virus when hovering over your picture? Go to school nerd.
-they have a new cell phone. I don’t think i’m the shit, i just like to share m gadgets with people. I don’t go around boasting about it. Your cell phone does not make you cool. having mp3s and pornography on it makes you cool.

One time I came across someone in an elevator who wanted to show off his phone so bad, he pretended that he had an important call, so he whipped his piece of shit out of his pocket, put it to his ear, and spread his fingers evenly out so that I could see “Samsung” and a little screen that is on the outside. Now this guy is thinking “heh he just got a look at my tight phone” but i’m really thinking… “fuck that guy has big sausage fingers.” Pretending that you’re on the phone is pathetic and worthless. I don’t give a shit what kind of phone you have.

-they got some ringtones they paid $1.99 each for, so they feel the need to whip their phone out in public, proceed to play their shitty sounding ringtones on the loudest volume, as to make you think “oh my god, no one on earth can make their phone play music like that. I must ask this douchebag for advice on how to make my inferior phone do that.” No, dipshit, that just makes me want to drop kick you then Jackie Chan kick your phone out of your hand.
-they have a new phone so they take every opportunity to take it out of their pocket, even will go so far as to pretend like they have popularity and receive a bunch of text messages so that every 2.3 minutes, they’re pulling their phone out of their pocket, flipping it open, then flipping it closed again. Dude we already know you’re not popular. No one cares about you or your phone.
-they have a myspace page so cluttered, it can freeze Bill Gates computer with all their useless bullshit. Just becuase you have links to episodes of The OC and your page has a retarded looking background of Justin Timberlake and a bunch of useless surveys so that people can find out about your life does not make you cool.
-they have access to drugs so they brag about taking or being able to get them. You know a loser, how does that make you cool?
-they brag about their sex life. Great, you’re having sex with white trash, or a thug. You’ve got herpes now. Brag about that, asshole.
-they’ve got tickets to a concert that are hard to get. They camp outside for days just to get seats out in the lawn while more fortunate people get to sit in seats. Nice concert, enjoy the ants.

You people that think you’re the shit make me sick.

Edit: Christine has threatened my life to give her props, because I was indeed on the phone with her and after phonesex last night and she started talking about how she was the shit because… which in turn riled me up thereby making me writing this article. So props goes out to her!

Nip/Tuck, originally aired in 2003, is a drama set in Florida, about two plastic surgeons on a mission to prove to the world one thing; that they have very tight asses, literally.

Upon hearing about its release on the FX network, I immediately wanted to follow this show, but was unable to due to my lack of dedication. 3 years later, however, I managed to pick up on it after downloading the seasons off of the internet. This show is fantastic. Everything about it is awesome. It’s got softcore porn, cursing, and it isn’t based on a bunch of goody goody bullshit. Well, sometimes it is. But it does it in a ‘real world’ type setting where not everyone says shoot when they meant to say SHIT. and fool when they meant to say fuckface.

I encourage every single one of you dumb motherfuckers to either buy or download the first three seasons and watch it. 4th season starts this September.