I don’t know what people are doing now a days that have a 20+ square foot home smelling like something out of a dumpster but it’s absolutely ridiculous that in the time it takes paint to dry, your house can’t get rid of the smell.

If you walk into someone’s house, their domain, their cave, their place of solitude, the place that represents someone’s character and who they are; and are your nostrils are attacked by what seems to smell like a mix of a very old person, a 3 dollar candle that was dipped into a bag of shit, but that your parents believed would make a great present for your 23rd birthday–it’s only fair to ask WHY??

It’s a bit more perplexing as to why someone’s house, which by the way is marginally bigger than their car, can’t rid itself of foul odor. It’s like, no amount of glade plug-ins, incense, candles, powdery carpet smell good stuff, OR freshly baked pie can every take away the true smell of the home, which over time has latched itself onto curtains, hair follicles, carpet, and genital hair. Damned if I don’t walk into someone’s house with my face buried into my shirt checking my own chest out instead of having to decipher what the hell i’m smelling, and why just two feet ago it smelled like outside–because I WAS outside.

The unsuspecting person, totally used to their house smelling that way, thinks that no one else can tell, and is somewhat flabbergasted when people start making strange faces, sneezing, coughing, or just running into the bathroom to “freshen up” hoping that whatever abercrombie perfume they over-sprayed onto themselves will no doubt cover up the odor of the house.

If you somehow get the idea that this post may be about you, I challenge you to bring someone over your house and ask for an honest opinion because 9 times out of 10, it is you.

Solution: Spring cleaning, upholstery deodorizer, cum, NEW SHIT.

How many times have you gotten into someone’s car only to be greeted by what smells like dog food and 2 week old pork chops? The shit really does stink. Unless you have a dog living under your seat and/or have a bowl of dog food under there for anyone who happens to be hungry, why does your car smell like fucking dog food? I hop into the vehicle cracking jokes making the other person think it’s all fun and games but the whole time i’m “this piece of shit car smells like a sewer.” The person always seems to know exactly why their car smells like ass; “yeah, i think my friend’s sister’s baby left some food in here.” umm dude it’s your fucking car, why would you let some shit like that go down and not bother to clean it up? I’m sure that in the time it took whatever it was rotting in your back seat to end up like that, that you could have taken care of it; that is–unless whatever it is smelling like ass is YOU. Don’t blame your BO on an innocent child throwing french fries around in your car with you not being in control.

I get to thinking, what could make someone’s car smell so damn bad, then I look around and see evidence of what appears to be the scene of a very raunchy porn. You have: CVS bags in the back seat, (this implies that the person went and bought condoms and/or lube), receipts, pieces of cookies, flyers, straw wrappers, soda bottle tops, and an Atlas. My awesome brain gets to thinking and i’ve come up with this…

“One day while driving in a semi-clean car, you got flagged down by a hitchhiker that you picked up who brought all those random items in a brown paper bag. You get to talking and realize that you both enjoy white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and start eating them. The sexual chemistry is too much to resist so you pull over to the parking lot of a went-out-of-business Target and start to fuck until you realize this person really stinks. Suddenly, you remember the Axe spray and various other items you picked up from CVS just days prior are a mere 3 feet and a glove compartment away. At this point it’s too late because during the climax, you both shoot turds out of your ass unknowingly which then sit in your car for the next two weeks until I happen to get in, notice the stench, and present you with this story and what I think happened only to have you turn to me and say “I still think it was my friend’s sister’s baby that left some food in here somewhere.”

WHY THE FUCK do you assholes enjoy shit like pineapples on your pizza, ketchup on your eggs, and SHIT on your pancakes?

As if the whole fruit food group was never in the same category as any of the toppings on a pizza except for tomato sauce, which i will never admit to as being a fruit–you assholes have to go the extra mile and put slices of pineapple on pizza.

Like some kid with down symdrome started having a panic attack and throwing objects across the room, playing in his food, and dumping random objects onto his pizza, a piece of pineapple apparently fell on it. The lady who’s responsible for this retard, picked up the slice of pizza and for some ODD reason ate it, fell in love with it, then started spreading the word.

HEY GUYS, having pineapples on your pizza tastes quite good. Hell no it doesn’t. it tastes like shit. Sweet & sour SHIT. Trust me, if you ever wondered what a sweet and sour turd tastes like, you just ate one when you ate pizza with pineapples on it.

2. Why the fuck do people claim to enjoy cold pizza better than hot? are you fucking retarded? did grandpa smack you in the face with his cane or something? No, cold pizza is not better than hot pizza, cold pizza isn’t even good. Rubbery pieces of cheese do not taste good, nor do hard pieces of bread. get real. Cold pizza is for those individuals who didn’t pay their gas bill on time or just don’t have a microwave and can’t heat up the pizza. Speaking of which, microwaved pizza fucking sucks. after it’s already cooled down and looks like shit, heating it up in the microwave makes it turn out to be gummy, nasty, and just sick.

Some of you people must have been born with retarded taste buds or something. and by that i mean your taste buds probably would enjoy the taste of your own urine. I challenge you all to do a taste test, and drink some piss. If you enjoy that taste then you will enjoy cold pizza and pineapples on that pizza. hell you might as well go the extra mile and piss on the pizza before topping it with pineapples then shoving it into your pie holes.

There’s so many toothbrushes and so many forms of toothpaste that are supposed to help your teeth that it becomes overwhelming. Well, i’ve decided to say FUCK brushing your teeth. just eat a few ice breakers a day and chew some gum and you’ll be good to go.

Brush after every meal? what kind of retarded shit is that? like i want to get rid of the fantastic taste of bacon grease that’s lingering in my mouth by brushing my teeth? hell naw.

Floss? are you nuts? as if me staring at myself in the mirror while bristles sweep the banana like surface of my teeth isn’t enough; they want me to drag strings inbetween them like a fucking violin player? no thanks! If gingavitis is my fate then so be it.

I have heard this exact statement: “sorry, I just got a new phone and lost all my numbers.” from about 14 people over the past few months when I get bored enough to start texting random people.

To put my theory to the test, I actually made up some phone numbers to text and got the same response when I wouldn’t reveal who I was to the person.

It’s like their get out of jail free card. No, asshole, it’s not your get out of jail free card. I’m going to go ahead and assume that not many people know more than 50 people that they talk to on a daily basis enough to put them in their phonebook, thus making your statement very rude, or just plain bullshit. I’m going with answer B on that one.

One would assume that unless you’re a drunk party-goer, who doesn’t take care of your phone well enough to not have it drown in someone’s pool or fall into a toilet that the normal way for you to get a new phone is to just go buy a fucking new one and transfer your phonebook to it! Oh shit nevermind I guess 93.6% (real statistic) of the population either gets their phone stolen by someone at a concert or it “falls into a pool” so bye bye phonebook. But then that makes me wonder if that happens so easily to people, why the fuck don’t you have your phonebook written/saved somewhere to incase of your misfortunate accident, you can easily get it back!

I think these losers actually read a “how to try and manipulate people into believing your obvious bullshit” book. Or maybe they read this shit in a magazine article. “When in doubt, say that you got a new phone and lost your numbers.”

I want to ask these people if they honestly think that people believe that line of crap.

How great would it be to whip my awesome cock out and soak their body in urine?

You too? Yeah, that would be sweet.

They’d stand up drenched in my smelly salty piss with the most puzzled look on their face like WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

How many people do you think would burst into tears of laughter and pointing at a display of god like behavior such as this? YouTube material for sure.

Needless to say the only tip he got from me that day was a half melted reeses peanut butter cup and whatever miscellaneous shit I had in my pockets at the time.

I can’t stand the restaurant industry.

I literally have to bury my face into my shirt and smell my own sweaty dirty flesh instead of smelling what appears to be a very dirty man or woman in front of me. I don’t know, i’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt but when every one smells the exact same way it kind of starts to turn on paranoid mode.

I’m standing/sitting there looking like i’m swatting flies away from my face when really i’m trying to get the smell away from my nostrils. This shit is not cute man. It makes me even more assured that I am doing the right thing by buying into the Pocket Axe marketing scheme. Although the mixture of WD40 and an underhanded spray from my Pocket Axe doesn’t make the situation that much better. I mean imagine car parts sprayed with WD40 then a hint of Pocket Axe. But, damn it’s a lot better than this shit.

I finally arrive at my destination (which is usually a friend’s house or the store) and suddenly i’m the target of laughter. It seems as though i’ve inherited the funk now i’m passing it around like a plate of spaghetti. My friends are like dude what happened? Did you have to change a flat tire or something? Of course I lie and am like “yeah I saw a very hot helpless lady on the side of the road trying to change her own tires so I decided to leap out of the window of the bus to help her out.

Another thing, not that i’m complaining, but why the FUCK does no one ever bother to sit next to me when i’m on there? Is it because I DON’T smell like WD40? Somewhere in their rule book of what to do and what not to do on a bus ride it says HEY you are NOT allowed to sit next to anyone who doesn’t share your BO. That includes children as well.

It makes me feel like an outcast to smell like money while everyone else smells like screwdrivers & wrenches & shit. If they had glade plugins for your asshole then I think it would make things about 84% better.

This little asshole looks like an alien first of all. Secondly, when this asshole comes over my house, I have to anticipate him giong through my shit, asking me dumb questions, and just being all around annoying.

He’s like 4 or 5 years old or some shit right. This little goofy motherfucker plays with EVERYTHING that isn’t his. Little fucker took out my DVDs and started throwing them around the room, went all through my cans of frebreze spraying them in the air for god knows what reason, giggles like my grandma, smells awful, shit man what is it with little kids that make them such annoyances?

It took literally all my super saiyan power not to just sock this fool square in the face and send him into knock out land for a few hours. Instead, I just mad dogged the little shit whenever I noticed him touching my shit, eventually snatching it away saying “that’s dangerous, you could kill yourself (or i could kill you)”

When I was a kid, I could imagine me being just as awesome as I am now, hard penis, fascination with 4 year old vagina, all the same shit.

This kid seemed to have been fascinated with being a homo, looking like mr. potato head, and just being a downright lamer.

What is it with little kids and them always repeating what you say too? What the hell is the point in that? I’m like “damn I have to pee” “you have to pee??” no shit asshole that’s what I just said. Then I was like “hey I want you dead” and he goes “he he you want me dead??” errr. If I ever have a child of my own you best believe the swift hand of the law will stop him/her from being annoying around any of my friends that’s for sure.

If your parents weren’t around i’d knock you out homie.

They parade around like a bunch of religious people criticizing your eating habits and mouthing off about how much better their nasty ass soy based products are than the originals they were based off.

Here’s a tip asshole: If i’m going to substitute a real burger for a soy one, i’d at least tell the truth about how shitty it tastes.

If your dog food tasting soy shit was even remotely close to being mouth watering like a big juicy burger from Johnny Rockets, i’m sure that more people would migrate to your way of eating.

Not only are they bitches, but they’re liars as well. What do religions and vegetarians have in common? they both lie a lot.

Example (religious people):
Lie: Going to church is fun and enjoyable!
Truth: Going to church is boring as hell and torture to sit through.

Lie: My religion is better than yours for the following reasons….
Truth: Your religion is NOT better than mine. In fact, your religion has child molesters and suicide bombers.

Example (vegetarians):
Lie: Soy chicken nuggets are so much better than real chicken nuggets.
Truth: Soy chicken nuggets taste like my ballsack was dipped into a bowl of turnip juice and surved to you cut open with olives on the side.

Lie: Once you get used to this way of eating, you’ll find that the food tastes identical if not better than what you used to eat.
Truth: Wrong asshole. If that were the case, half the people that follow your way of eating wouldn’t resort to eating cheesecake, fries, and potato chips after slipping up and cheating.

These kind of bitches should have the opposite side of carrot shoved up their ass then fed to them while I eat a burrito in front of their face.

I don’t have a problem eating healthy, not at all. It’s when people like to lie about shit we all know better about.

Soy based food will NEVER taste better than; or even closely resemble the mouth watering goodness of the food it was based after. Now once they can admit that and move on, i’ll be satisfied.

Not only are vegetarians liars, but they are stuck-up as well. They act like they’re better than you because they eat horrible replicas of food you and I enjoy on a daily basis. If I were out and about and came across a vegetarian, i’d body slam him into a tub of lard then throw freshly cooked scalding hot bacon at his/her face then whip my awesome cock out and piss on them all while humming the McDonald’s theme song.

Tofu dogs and retarded shit like that will never taste good. End of story.

Lick my big meaty balls.