Dude, i’ve been wondering a thing or two or three.

WHY THE FUCK do you assholes enjoy shit like pineapples on your pizza, ketchup on your eggs, and SHIT on your pancakes?

As if the whole fruit food group was never in the same category as any of the toppings on a pizza except for tomato sauce, which i will never admit to as being a fruit–you assholes have to go the extra mile and put slices of pineapple on pizza.

Like some kid with down symdrome started having a panic attack and throwing objects across the room, playing in his food, and dumping random objects onto his pizza, a piece of pineapple apparently fell on it. The lady who’s responsible for this retard, picked up the slice of pizza and for some ODD reason ate it, fell in love with it, then started spreading the word.

HEY GUYS, having pineapples on your pizza tastes quite good. Hell no it doesn’t. it tastes like shit. Sweet & sour SHIT. Trust me, if you ever wondered what a sweet and sour turd tastes like, you just ate one when you ate pizza with pineapples on it.

2. Why the fuck do people claim to enjoy cold pizza better than hot? are you fucking retarded? did grandpa smack you in the face with his cane or something? No, cold pizza is not better than hot pizza, cold pizza isn’t even good. Rubbery pieces of cheese do not taste good, nor do hard pieces of bread. get real. Cold pizza is for those individuals who didn’t pay their gas bill on time or just don’t have a microwave and can’t heat up the pizza. Speaking of which, microwaved pizza fucking sucks. after it’s already cooled down and looks like shit, heating it up in the microwave makes it turn out to be gummy, nasty, and just sick.

Some of you people must have been born with retarded taste buds or something. and by that i mean your taste buds probably would enjoy the taste of your own urine. I challenge you all to do a taste test, and drink some piss. If you enjoy that taste then you will enjoy cold pizza and pineapples on that pizza. hell you might as well go the extra mile and piss on the pizza before topping it with pineapples then shoving it into your pie holes.

Seriously, the shit is so boring. No one knows the exact amount of time that you should spend brushing your teeth. So, i usually sit there brushing until blood starts to pour from my mouth, this usually means that my gums have been raped and that i should stop. I always thought just scratching your teeth with your fingernails was enough to remove any plaque or build up. That is until i awoke one day with my teeth looking like a stick of butter. Guess that plan wasn’t the right one huh?

There’s so many toothbrushes and so many forms of toothpaste that are supposed to help your teeth that it becomes overwhelming. Well, i’ve decided to say FUCK brushing your teeth. just eat a few ice breakers a day and chew some gum and you’ll be good to go.

Brush after every meal? what kind of retarded shit is that? like i want to get rid of the fantastic taste of bacon grease that’s lingering in my mouth by brushing my teeth? hell naw.

Floss? are you nuts? as if me staring at myself in the mirror while bristles sweep the banana like surface of my teeth isn’t enough; they want me to drag strings inbetween them like a fucking violin player? no thanks! If gingavitis is my fate then so be it.

This seems to be the stupid shit that’s going around lately when someone doesn’t remember who you are when you call or text them.

I have heard this exact statement: “sorry, I just got a new phone and lost all my numbers.” from about 14 people over the past few months when I get bored enough to start texting random people.

To put my theory to the test, I actually made up some phone numbers to text and got the same response when I wouldn’t reveal who I was to the person.

It’s like their get out of jail free card. No, asshole, it’s not your get out of jail free card. I’m going to go ahead and assume that not many people know more than 50 people that they talk to on a daily basis enough to put them in their phonebook, thus making your statement very rude, or just plain bullshit. I’m going with answer B on that one.

One would assume that unless you’re a drunk party-goer, who doesn’t take care of your phone well enough to not have it drown in someone’s pool or fall into a toilet that the normal way for you to get a new phone is to just go buy a fucking new one and transfer your phonebook to it! Oh shit nevermind I guess 93.6% (real statistic) of the population either gets their phone stolen by someone at a concert or it “falls into a pool” so bye bye phonebook. But then that makes me wonder if that happens so easily to people, why the fuck don’t you have your phonebook written/saved somewhere to incase of your misfortunate accident, you can easily get it back!

I think these losers actually read a “how to try and manipulate people into believing your obvious bullshit” book. Or maybe they read this shit in a magazine article. “When in doubt, say that you got a new phone and lost your numbers.”

I want to ask these people if they honestly think that people believe that line of crap.

Not R. Kelly style. I mean I want to do it unsuspectingly, like while someone is bending over to pick up a quarter or some lip gloss that they mistakenly dropped onto the ground.

How great would it be to whip my awesome cock out and soak their body in urine?

You too? Yeah, that would be sweet.

They’d stand up drenched in my smelly salty piss with the most puzzled look on their face like WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

How many people do you think would burst into tears of laughter and pointing at a display of god like behavior such as this? YouTube material for sure.

The other day I was at a restaurant getting some cheap food and a few things on the menu looked tasty to me. The waiter comes over, and the first thing I notice right off the bat is how much he resembles Screech from Saved by the Bell. Beside the point, as i’m trying to hold my laughter in, I manage to swallow it long enough to ask him “hey what do you recommend, _____ or _____??” We’re both adults, in our 20s, awesome as shit, well at least one of us is. This douche bag proceeds to hit me with the comment you just dont hit anyone with unless they’re fucking stupid. He goes “well everything’s good!” Come on broe, not everything is GOOD. Some things on this menu may even taste like shit, but that isn’t even the point. I asked a very simple question about what you recommend. Don’t treat me like i’m an idiot. I sit there staring at him like “huh??” so then I again ask, “okay but out of these two which one would you recommend?” he fires back at me again “well they’re both pretty good” I was going to throw my glass of water at him, but instead I said “are you just programmed to say that because if you gave your opinion it could be interpreted as you saying something on your menu isn’t all that good?” at this point he has a blank look on his face like “yeahhh”

Needless to say the only tip he got from me that day was a half melted reeses peanut butter cup and whatever miscellaneous shit I had in my pockets at the time.

I can’t stand the restaurant industry.

Just some food for thought. It seems as though a cult of faggots decided to bathe in WD40 before hopping on the metro to go where ever they need to go. You know, the can of solution, says WD40 at the top, that you spray onto rusted metal and bike chains so that it doesn’t rust and/or get dried out. I don’t get it…. why do they all have to smell ilke car parts. It wouldn’t make sense for everyone who is a mechanic to take the bus places because they would fucking have a working car right?

I literally have to bury my face into my shirt and smell my own sweaty dirty flesh instead of smelling what appears to be a very dirty man or woman in front of me. I don’t know, i’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt but when every one smells the exact same way it kind of starts to turn on paranoid mode.

I’m standing/sitting there looking like i’m swatting flies away from my face when really i’m trying to get the smell away from my nostrils. This shit is not cute man. It makes me even more assured that I am doing the right thing by buying into the Pocket Axe marketing scheme. Although the mixture of WD40 and an underhanded spray from my Pocket Axe doesn’t make the situation that much better. I mean imagine car parts sprayed with WD40 then a hint of Pocket Axe. But, damn it’s a lot better than this shit.

I finally arrive at my destination (which is usually a friend’s house or the store) and suddenly i’m the target of laughter. It seems as though i’ve inherited the funk now i’m passing it around like a plate of spaghetti. My friends are like dude what happened? Did you have to change a flat tire or something? Of course I lie and am like “yeah I saw a very hot helpless lady on the side of the road trying to change her own tires so I decided to leap out of the window of the bus to help her out.

Another thing, not that i’m complaining, but why the FUCK does no one ever bother to sit next to me when i’m on there? Is it because I DON’T smell like WD40? Somewhere in their rule book of what to do and what not to do on a bus ride it says HEY you are NOT allowed to sit next to anyone who doesn’t share your BO. That includes children as well.

It makes me feel like an outcast to smell like money while everyone else smells like screwdrivers & wrenches & shit. If they had glade plugins for your asshole then I think it would make things about 84% better.