Yup, this can be considered a sequel to my post about cars smelling bad. If you’ve ever wondered why women between the ages of 40-60 have a house that smell like cheap candles bought at a police auction, or why anyone between the ages of 25-40 have a house that smells like pussy, 3 different scents of febreze, and left over dominos pizza, then this may be the post for you.

I don’t know what people are doing now a days that have a 20+ square foot home smelling like something out of a dumpster but it’s absolutely ridiculous that in the time it takes paint to dry, your house can’t get rid of the smell.

If you walk into someone’s house, their domain, their cave, their place of solitude, the place that represents someone’s character and who they are; and are your nostrils are attacked by what seems to smell like a mix of a very old person, a 3 dollar candle that was dipped into a bag of shit, but that your parents believed would make a great present for your 23rd birthday–it’s only fair to ask WHY??

It’s a bit more perplexing as to why someone’s house, which by the way is marginally bigger than their car, can’t rid itself of foul odor. It’s like, no amount of glade plug-ins, incense, candles, powdery carpet smell good stuff, OR freshly baked pie can every take away the true smell of the home, which over time has latched itself onto curtains, hair follicles, carpet, and genital hair. Damned if I don’t walk into someone’s house with my face buried into my shirt checking my own chest out instead of having to decipher what the hell i’m smelling, and why just two feet ago it smelled like outside–because I WAS outside.

The unsuspecting person, totally used to their house smelling that way, thinks that no one else can tell, and is somewhat flabbergasted when people start making strange faces, sneezing, coughing, or just running into the bathroom to “freshen up” hoping that whatever abercrombie perfume they over-sprayed onto themselves will no doubt cover up the odor of the house.

If you somehow get the idea that this post may be about you, I challenge you to bring someone over your house and ask for an honest opinion because 9 times out of 10, it is you.

Solution: Spring cleaning, upholstery deodorizer, cum, NEW SHIT.

I’ve gotten into approximately 12,298 vehicles in my lifetime. This includes but is not limited to: Taxis, Buses, Trucks, SUVs, Trains, Power Wheels, etc, and every time I get into one, they all have a distinct smell that has absolutely no relation or relevance to what a vehicle should smell like.

How many times have you gotten into someone’s car only to be greeted by what smells like dog food and 2 week old pork chops? The shit really does stink. Unless you have a dog living under your seat and/or have a bowl of dog food under there for anyone who happens to be hungry, why does your car smell like fucking dog food? I hop into the vehicle cracking jokes making the other person think it’s all fun and games but the whole time i’m “this piece of shit car smells like a sewer.” The person always seems to know exactly why their car smells like ass; “yeah, i think my friend’s sister’s baby left some food in here.” umm dude it’s your fucking car, why would you let some shit like that go down and not bother to clean it up? I’m sure that in the time it took whatever it was rotting in your back seat to end up like that, that you could have taken care of it; that is–unless whatever it is smelling like ass is YOU. Don’t blame your BO on an innocent child throwing french fries around in your car with you not being in control.

I get to thinking, what could make someone’s car smell so damn bad, then I look around and see evidence of what appears to be the scene of a very raunchy porn. You have: CVS bags in the back seat, (this implies that the person went and bought condoms and/or lube), receipts, pieces of cookies, flyers, straw wrappers, soda bottle tops, and an Atlas. My awesome brain gets to thinking and i’ve come up with this…

“One day while driving in a semi-clean car, you got flagged down by a hitchhiker that you picked up who brought all those random items in a brown paper bag. You get to talking and realize that you both enjoy white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and start eating them. The sexual chemistry is too much to resist so you pull over to the parking lot of a went-out-of-business Target and start to fuck until you realize this person really stinks. Suddenly, you remember the Axe spray and various other items you picked up from CVS just days prior are a mere 3 feet and a glove compartment away. At this point it’s too late because during the climax, you both shoot turds out of your ass unknowingly which then sit in your car for the next two weeks until I happen to get in, notice the stench, and present you with this story and what I think happened only to have you turn to me and say “I still think it was my friend’s sister’s baby that left some food in here somewhere.”