Why do people’s car smell so strange?

I’ve gotten into approximately 12,298 vehicles in my lifetime. This includes but is not limited to: Taxis, Buses, Trucks, SUVs, Trains, Power Wheels, etc, and every time I get into one, they all have a distinct smell that has absolutely no relation or relevance to what a vehicle should smell like.

How many times have you gotten into someone’s car only to be greeted by what smells like dog food and 2 week old pork chops? The shit really does stink. Unless you have a dog living under your seat and/or have a bowl of dog food under there for anyone who happens to be hungry, why does your car smell like fucking dog food? I hop into the vehicle cracking jokes making the other person think it’s all fun and games but the whole time i’m “this piece of shit car smells like a sewer.” The person always seems to know exactly why their car smells like ass; “yeah, i think my friend’s sister’s baby left some food in here.” umm dude it’s your fucking car, why would you let some shit like that go down and not bother to clean it up? I’m sure that in the time it took whatever it was rotting in your back seat to end up like that, that you could have taken care of it; that is–unless whatever it is smelling like ass is YOU. Don’t blame your BO on an innocent child throwing french fries around in your car with you not being in control.

I get to thinking, what could make someone’s car smell so damn bad, then I look around and see evidence of what appears to be the scene of a very raunchy porn. You have: CVS bags in the back seat, (this implies that the person went and bought condoms and/or lube), receipts, pieces of cookies, flyers, straw wrappers, soda bottle tops, and an Atlas. My awesome brain gets to thinking and i’ve come up with this…

“One day while driving in a semi-clean car, you got flagged down by a hitchhiker that you picked up who brought all those random items in a brown paper bag. You get to talking and realize that you both enjoy white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and start eating them. The sexual chemistry is too much to resist so you pull over to the parking lot of a went-out-of-business Target and start to fuck until you realize this person really stinks. Suddenly, you remember the Axe spray and various other items you picked up from CVS just days prior are a mere 3 feet and a glove compartment away. At this point it’s too late because during the climax, you both shoot turds out of your ass unknowingly which then sit in your car for the next two weeks until I happen to get in, notice the stench, and present you with this story and what I think happened only to have you turn to me and say “I still think it was my friend’s sister’s baby that left some food in here somewhere.”