I was always brought up to believe that a quick wipedown with the opposite side of a sponge was good enough. Who invented soap and those plastic washing devices? You know, the ones that try to be all fancy with the strings attached to them so that you may hang them in your shower to look cute when guests come over and snoop around in your bathroom.

What’s even worse are those people who boast and brag about showering 3 or more times a day. Congrats motherfucker, you are one dirty sack of shit. At least i know i dont get dirty enough to want to shower 3 times a day. All you need is baking soda, a water hose, and your best friend there to shoot that skin piercing stream of water at your back.

This method, the sopnge method, or if you have money, just buy some axe and degree and you’re in the game. You don’t need to wash your disproportionate body and come out smelling like apricots and spinach for all of 10 minutes before your rancid toe jam smelling BO comes back out.

I usually go days/weeks without stepping into a shower, top that off with hardly ever brushing my teeth and you have what looks like a homeless man straight out of the movies as the site admin, how aresome is that?

Literally.

So, I went to go see 300 last night, after eating at Barney’s Beanery with friends right…..it was around 9:47 when we got there, and there was like all of 3 people in the theater. I guess it isn’t cool to go to the movies on a Monday night.

Anyway, so the previews start, (the best part of some movies) and they were pretty shitty, a bunch of retarded movies about death and ghosts. Then we get into 300. I immerse myself so much into the story that I actually believe that I am the king of Sparta. Then these two fat where’s Waldo looking dipshits come and sit behind us with popcorn, smelly ass BO, and loud obnoxious voices. Why the fuck do people come to the movies only to talk during it and feel that it’s their duty as human beings to inform you of their opinion throughout the movie–in the form of cheesy cackling, slurred words, and bursts of tourettes? I wanted to get up and shove my spear through their bodies and beat them in the face with my 100 LB shield, but I refrained. A King should definitely be more tolerable of peasants.

It irks me to death when I happen to be with people that ramble during the movie, or even hear people rambling during the movie.

You go to the movies to watch the movie, not to talk. If you want to do that, go on MySpace, assholes.

This stems off of people that brag a lot about their crap.

When you brag, you obviously think you’re the shit. You can spot these people from a distance by noticing a few things about people that think they’re the shit.

People think they’re the shit because…
-they have a myspace. Wow faggot, you’re among the 45 million other trendy people out there. no you’re not the shit.
-they have a new car. Great, now you have car payments and insurance. i’m better off than you were now, asshole.
-their myspace pages are all crowded and the font is so small you have to squint to see it. Awesome page moron, you’ve successfully made your page nonreadable.
-they can make your mouse pointer turn into a rainbow or a teddy bear when you go to their website. Cool, you just showed me how much of a loser you are by trying to make MY mouse turn into a bear. Your website sucks.
-when you hover over someone’s picture, it becomes black and white, pixelated, upside down, distorted, negative, or any sort of dumb shit like that. Yay, do you want a fucking brownie for making me think I had a virus when hovering over your picture? Go to school nerd.
-they have a new cell phone. I don’t think i’m the shit, i just like to share m gadgets with people. I don’t go around boasting about it. Your cell phone does not make you cool. having mp3s and pornography on it makes you cool.

One time I came across someone in an elevator who wanted to show off his phone so bad, he pretended that he had an important call, so he whipped his piece of shit out of his pocket, put it to his ear, and spread his fingers evenly out so that I could see “Samsung” and a little screen that is on the outside. Now this guy is thinking “heh he just got a look at my tight phone” but i’m really thinking… “fuck that guy has big sausage fingers.” Pretending that you’re on the phone is pathetic and worthless. I don’t give a shit what kind of phone you have.

-they got some ringtones they paid $1.99 each for, so they feel the need to whip their phone out in public, proceed to play their shitty sounding ringtones on the loudest volume, as to make you think “oh my god, no one on earth can make their phone play music like that. I must ask this douchebag for advice on how to make my inferior phone do that.” No, dipshit, that just makes me want to drop kick you then Jackie Chan kick your phone out of your hand.
-they have a new phone so they take every opportunity to take it out of their pocket, even will go so far as to pretend like they have popularity and receive a bunch of text messages so that every 2.3 minutes, they’re pulling their phone out of their pocket, flipping it open, then flipping it closed again. Dude we already know you’re not popular. No one cares about you or your phone.
-they have a myspace page so cluttered, it can freeze Bill Gates computer with all their useless bullshit. Just becuase you have links to episodes of The OC and your page has a retarded looking background of Justin Timberlake and a bunch of useless surveys so that people can find out about your life does not make you cool.
-they have access to drugs so they brag about taking or being able to get them. You know a loser, how does that make you cool?
-they brag about their sex life. Great, you’re having sex with white trash, or a thug. You’ve got herpes now. Brag about that, asshole.
-they’ve got tickets to a concert that are hard to get. They camp outside for days just to get seats out in the lawn while more fortunate people get to sit in seats. Nice concert, enjoy the ants.

You people that think you’re the shit make me sick.

Edit: Christine has threatened my life to give her props, because I was indeed on the phone with her and after phonesex last night and she started talking about how she was the shit because… which in turn riled me up thereby making me writing this article. So props goes out to her!

Nip/Tuck, originally aired in 2003, is a drama set in Florida, about two plastic surgeons on a mission to prove to the world one thing; that they have very tight asses, literally.

Upon hearing about its release on the FX network, I immediately wanted to follow this show, but was unable to due to my lack of dedication. 3 years later, however, I managed to pick up on it after downloading the seasons off of the internet. This show is fantastic. Everything about it is awesome. It’s got softcore porn, cursing, and it isn’t based on a bunch of goody goody bullshit. Well, sometimes it is. But it does it in a ‘real world’ type setting where not everyone says shoot when they meant to say SHIT. and fool when they meant to say fuckface.

I encourage every single one of you dumb motherfuckers to either buy or download the first three seasons and watch it. 4th season starts this September.

This article will explain the many ways for you to enrich your life by becoming ghetto fabulous.

The term, which derived in the lovely city of Los Angeles, is essential to money greedy people such as myself.

Fundamentals:

-when you find yourself low on money and/or toilet or bathroom accessories, follow these steps:

Requirements: At least pocket change, $5 or less would be sufficient

1. walk into any establishment, preferably Subway, as they are maintained by Mexicans and most of them won’t care what you are doing. Ask nicely for a cup of water (you may even be so nice as to buy a cookie), after which you “accidentally” spill it onto yourself. You ask for a bunch of napkins to clean yourself off but then storm out of the place giggling as you have just pocketed a few weeks worth of toilet paper.

2. walk into a place that uses plastic utensils such as knives, forks, or sporks (the combination of a fork and a spoon used in middle/high schools) and pretend to be doing something that would require a lot of them. Like building a house made out of plastic utensils. Congratulate yourself as you dump them into your Jansport backpack and walk out of the place undetected.

3. walk into mcdonalds and order a small fry to go. grab as many ketchup packets as possible and put them into your bag. congrats, you’ve just got yourself a sauce that everyone enjoys, for free.

4. go to a public restroom inside a fairly decent place. Bed, Bath, and Beyond works for most people. To do this, you will need to have an empty container and a lid. go into the bathroom and start pumping as much soap out of the dispenser as you can in a short period of time before someone else walks in and wonders what you could possibly want with a quart of hand soap. good job ace, you’re now stocked full of “body wash” for the next few months.

5. chinese food restaurants are good for this type of stunt. you can gather a bunch of bowls, commonly referred to as to-go boxes, and use them for your home endeavors.

More to come. but for now you’ve just saved yourself a approximately $41.36 on items you’d normally buy at a store for your first apartment.

Think about it. It’s true.

Peanut butter smeared on a bus driver’s asshole would probably taste good.

peanut butter is something you can have with almost any dessert and it would be good.

example:
-pb cookies
-pb ice cream
-pb cake
-pb muffins
-pb & saltine crackers
-pb & ritz crackers
-pb & any cracker
-pb toast
-pb pancakes
-pb waffles
-pb assholes
-pb smeared on your vagina
-pb smeared on your nipples
-a piece of bread with wrapped around my penis with peanut butter on it too.
-pb mixed up with a strawberry & banana smoothie
-peanut brittle

Peanut butter is like a universal treat that you can eat alone on a knife on the 28th of the month when you have no money left and you’re waiting for the 1st of the month to come so you can go shopping for more food and peanut butter.

Remember those different types of peanut butter that came out a few years ago for a limited time only?

-chocolate peanut butter
-apple cinnamon peanut butter

and some other one.

whether it’s chunky like baby shit, creamy like baby shit, or just plain old. peanut butter is awesome and anyone who disagrees should be shot in the face with a gun made out of peanut butter with peanut buttery bullets that splattered as they hit your skin and had a substance in it that attracted bees because it had honey in it..and the bees stung you to death because they thought you were made out of peanut butter. speaking of which….toast with honey and peanut butter on it ….Damn

A word to all of you internet women out there, I am likeable. Not only am I likeable as a friend, but I am likeable as a person in general. Not that a life with a physical being (not just a blow up doll) wouldn’t be amazing, but I am likeable.

Explanation below:
-i make mp3 players for AOL (a popular but failing in customer service department internet service provider)
-i have a website with no apparent theme or ..purpose.
-i have an awesome computer with a 3 GHz processor.
-i have a cellular phone that i pay for myself with 6pm nights to have sex over the phone with my potential internet mate.
-i don’t live with my mom anymore. Really….i don’t
-i have an annoying roomate who talks in the background when i am trying to have sex with my many followers….on the phone.
-i have a lot of people that kiss my ass
-people visit my site not because it’s awesome and blows away every other site, but because they are indeed droids created by me for the purpose of promoting my website and/or wasting their lives away on it
-i have lots of internet friends that really aren’t my friends, but that only talk to me, not because im a likeable person, which i am, but because they all want something from me. be it help, motivation, cybering, advice, drugs.
-my personality is bar none to every other lamer out there who pick up women for the purpose of getting them to pose naked on webcam or for phone sex.
-who wouldnt like freeza? …..seriously…not to sound conceited or anything but i own.. what more is there to say.

So I say this again to all women who read this, I don’t want a relationship with just anyone. I don’t want a real relationship, i don’t want physical contact, i don’t require any of that. but what i do require is that you’re easy, that you will try really hard to screw me over in the end, that you will buy me things, and give me money.

don’t go after me because i’m there for you and have been more than anyone regardless of the willingness to admit it or not. don’t go after me because out of everyone you talk to i’m the one that has the most appeal. don’t talk to me because i do everything for you.

GO down those points up there and go after me because i’m an amateur programmer from california with obsessive compulsive tendencies and a failing website, who has followers and people to kiss his ass because they think i will lead them to the promise land.